Make haste slowly

I swear I’m still alive, in case you were wondering.

That’s right. I’ve had way more caffeine than I’m used to, have nothing important to do, and I need a fucking job! Would feel bad about it but everyone else I know is practically unemployed, or have had to take a job they’d never normally take. It’s also highly annoying, or funny, when people who have had a job for years how easy it is to get a job; except, they haven’t had to look for a job in 10+ years. Hoping this season the old problem of “you’re over qualified,” doesn’t come into play; because, that is the most frustrating experience I’ve ever had.

Think that’s all I have to say. On to finding private insurance now that I’m 25…sweet.

Once a year as the weather heats up, the pace picks up academically; this is such an occasion. Later today’s a midterm, and then work will start on writing up those four papers left to write.

Every couple of months the same synapse that makes me think, “there has to be a better use for my time,” strikes. Today just happens to be that day. It’s not so much that having time wasted bothers me; it’s knowing that it could have been wasted in a myriad of other ways — possibilities that may never come to pass again. Didn’t particularly doing much of anything, that could be considered productive this weekend, but the bars were avoided. when you’re living off of a loan, that’s probably for the best. There were many things that could have been done, that need to be done, that just weren’t done; few papers, some projects, side projects, and some other things forgotten. Could be describe as sort of lacking motivation, but it has to be more like writers block for getting things done or actually planning any outings with people. More or less, the lack of motivation extends to my wanting to call people up, see what they’re doing and hang out. If someone stops by, or calls me, that’s fine; but, the section of my brain that drive me to plan activities went on hiatus for now. Pretty sure if something new or exciting came my way it might motivate me, but for now it seems making a list of things to do could work a bit.

1. write that forestry application letter.
2. send that email to my professor saying I’ll show up to office hours.
3. actually start collecting papers for my project on ocean acidification.
4. start coming up with paper topics for those 4 other paper that will have to be written.
5. i don’t know…

1. start a mafia family

2. find more and better music to listen to.

3. rob a bank.

4. find more people to join mafia and hangout with on the weekends (pretty much done).

5. build a secret tunnel to mexico.

6. build a secret tunnel to canada.

7. collect protection money.

8. bribe my way to high office.

9. become ‘don calo.’

10. buy the state of michigan (nobody wants it anyway).

Often time it seems like all the things that transpire in my life are all for not. Nothing ever works out as planned; in the sense that all my time is spent and wasted for no gain. Each year the outcome of my efforts turns me up in exactly the same place in life as before. Never moving but always seeing, progress is a thing of the past. The over-dramatization of life, as learned through the TV growing up, leaves me disappointed in what has been had. There have been no grandiose adventures, dramatic moments that end perfectly, destiny that drives life forward; se nada especial? Everything that my eyes have intercepted from the pages of history cannot have possibly happened exactly the way as written. Why? It’s all so scripted. Turns out life is more like a cluster fuck where things happen for no reason at all. People are born, grown up, get together, breakup, fight, die, and all those other things; while, an intricate story is mysteriously written down to make us all feel like there was a grand scheme to it all along. In the end, whatever the story was, it doesn’t matter at all. In fact, it could have been completely different with no one caring at all.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes. Life currently feels like all my time is wasted pursuing people where ultimately nothing was possible to begin with. All my frustration stems out of that one simple fact. Every day getting up is the same as before; each time the rut just gets deeper. All the while I’ve just been distracting myself with various things like writing this blog, going to school, pretending that there’s an actual job to be had out there, etcetera. Music seems to be my only escape from reality but the variety of it has stagnated to the point where each track in my play list is known. One day I’ll lift myself out of this rut — hopefully before it gets too deep. Maybe this is what life is supposed to be. Still it must be a whole lot better than being stuck in an existence where life is scripted to the point of monotony.

All that and my stupid lab was canceled. They didn’t even leave a shitty note on the door!

This thought crossed my mind the other day. Clothes, make-up, jewelry, tattoos; all just window dressing. They don’t change what’s behind the glass. It seems to me that some people tend to hide behind how they present themselves, rather than take it for what it should be. I know there are a lot of people that do it and, it’s probably something that wont be changing anytime soon; sure a reflection of consumerism though. People thing that the new shiny deal they bought into their life will make it better, but it wont in any meaningful way. Even many people who say they reject consumerism still define their lives with consumeristic dendancies. Those people tend to show off in other ways such as tattoos or the like with money piled into artwork on their skin, rather than clothes. Not saying your’s truely is an exception, but at least my excuses aren’t masked like some and instead I’ve tied all my resources into a college — the ultimate consumer buy in. Why does anyone go to school? To make the big bucks so they can buy more shit they don’t need and possibly get that higher status to be more important. Must just be part of us.

Turned the TV on for the first time in a while. Phew… not sure it could be turned off fast enough. I’ve developed an acute hatred for TV sitcoms. Is there some reason they all naturally suck, or do they have to actively? Just thought I should point that out…

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St. patty’s day was great and much better than the previous year; this year, I wasn’t trashed an in bed by 9pm. Started out the walking over to Jordan’s pad because he was being too lazy to go. Played some PS3 for a while as no one wanted to show up at 6pm anywhere. At some point Brian showed up, Whitney called us up and was confused at first because she sounds an awful lot like Kadie on the phone. From there Jordan, Brian and I headed down to Normal St (don’t remember it’s new name) to meet up with Shelby, Whitney, and a few others. Wow, it was a dead night for St. Patty’s.

This St. patty’s day was great and much better than the previous year; this year, I wasn’t trashed an in bed by 9pm. Started out the walking over to Jordan’s pad because he was being too lazy to go. Played some PS3 for a while as no one wanted to show up at 6pm anywhere. At some point Brian showed up, Whitney called us up and was confused at first because she sounds an awful lot like Kadie on the phone. From there Jordan, Brian and I headed down to Normal St (don’t remember it’s new name) to meet up with Shelby, Whitney, and a few others. Wow, it was a dead night for St. Patty’s. There was practically no one in the bars we went to. Duffy’s, Riley’s, and the like were probably filled to the brim and even the Bear shut down at 10pm. By the time we made it down to Duffy’s it was locked up for the night.

There was some weird happenings though. Weird events are not something I like to have happen but there was some weirdness between Kristin and her gang. Sure I have a thing for her, but there was some extreme confusion during and after I hung out with her and it just didn’t work out. Discussed Kristin with Sarah and a few people but all they said was, “don’t bother, since it seemed like she never wanted to do anything.” Went with their advice more or less as a cop-out. After this , I saw them at the Ubar at some point and it just seemed awkward.

Since then, I’ve run into them again with similar happenings. Couldn’t bring myself to go over to Kristin on St. Patty’s and just remained in with the group. Even more awkwardly I’ve had a thing for Whitney since before I headed out with Kristin a few weeks ago, that didn’t work out either. Thought she had a thing for me, for a while, but I was still freaked out about my ex and her being Brian’s sister was a little weird at first. Made a few moves on her a ways back. Since then I’ve been pretty passive on figuring out who’s into me, which is getting to be a little frustrating and perhaps the cause a few panic attacks over the last few days.

Comes a certain point where one wonders why we take the exact actions we’ve taken over the years. Sure, it seems like I was in control. Looking back on some situations it seemed like at the time that it was the best option, but now, up on reflection, it’s not even that. Sometimes it’s because my brain needs a break, inability to see the outcome, or simply the prospect of doing something is too fearful. It’s hard to plainly characterize my own actions, let alone others. Once you’ve sat back looking them over, you can still only speculate as to why something was done or not done. Often times there’s a lack of desire to explore why people, either recently met or old friends, behave the way they do; curious they way certain people behave when you decided throw out a test of certain kinds. Throwing out simple contemplative tests can be fun; maybe just tossing out an odd remark to see how they behave. Especially with new people, my preference is to throw out enough intelligence testing just to see how well they can compete with me. Hard to say if some people catch on, just don’t care, or completely fail; but, surely the people who do catch on are the ones who pass my bullshit testing.

Other times I wonder If I’m just expecting too much from life, or if life is expecting too much from me. As a little kid life seemed magical in ever single way to the point where disillusionment took hold him my simple young mind. Confused is just how society wanted everyone to me be at the time but even they couldn’t the strange confusion to last forever, because at some point you make up your mind. Took a long time to realize why things where going in certain directions and why somethings were beyond control. Wasn’t until I disconnected from mainstream reality that there was an opportunity to think for myself. Probably the best choice ever taken on my part to unplug for a long time; unplugged is the only way to give yourself a solid reference to all the bullshit around you.