Every once and a while you find someone that excites you, and other times you just cant figure that person out. She’s been in other classes with me, but I didn’t realize what kind of person she was. She’s interesting, knows what she’s talking about, and isn’t afraid to express her opinions to me; but not to the extent where I’m always wrong. There’s still the problem where I think we like each other, but I’m still a bit too shy to find out what the other person thinks about that exactly. This is the way it always goes though. Eventually I’ll figure it out, but her being in the same major as me makes the nagging thought of failure all the more real. I detest awkwardness, and the thought of creating such a situation freaks me out just a little bit. But I still want to know. I”ve tried just passing off exactly how I feel about this one as just another crush, making up excuses as to why I should stay single in my head; but every time we speak all those reasons don’t matter anymore. To me this is a difficult situation because I honestly don’t think I deserve anyone this perfect, but would certainly like to. Maybe I should just not worry about it, and just be glad a woman that brilliant exists at all; anything progressing past that, would be all the better. Plus I could use someone new to hang out with, since I consider the many of the people I don’t hang out with anymore raging alcoholics or bar flies, and I need someone who understands what it is to persue an academic goal. Yes, that’s what I need. Someone who knows what it is to want, and have gone after an academic goal. That person would understand me a little bit perhaps. I suppose writing on here wont remedy that though.
Having the feeling that I’m the only one doing the searching, and no one’s searching for me has dramatically affected my mood about all of this lately. With each person I”ve ever dated, it’s always been me who’s done the bumbling through the early stages of the relationship. No one’s ever come up to me, and shown a definite interest. This troubles me and if it ever happened, I would truly be stunned and happy at the same time. Maybe I’m just too shy about all of this. Everyone knows it’s what we’re all looking for, but for me it’s both what I want, and a little scary at the same time.