Make haste slowly

So far I’ve just been playing video games for most of the day, and intertwining that with music when I’m not doing that; but, it felt lazy — which was probably the case — and ventured off on yet another bike ride into the park. Probably found one of the last thorns in all of the park on my last bike ride, because my front tire was flattened by one that stuck through the side of the tire. Either way, I’m glad the rain has ceased, the weather warming to the point where I don’t feel the need to bundle up. Anyway, while on that ride, the thought occurred to me that some people in my life were more narcissistic than I would like. It’s okay to be a little bit narcissistic, but some people are just overboard with it. All they think about is how to confirm their views; getting into arguments with you as to how you’re advice is wrong, when they asked for your advice. There’s a serious rash of narcissism going around in this town and, i suspect, all over the country. Maybe it’s just be, but it seems that most women I know, meet, or talk to seem to be very narcissistic. It didn’t used to be this way. Maybe it’s just the crowd I’m in, the town I’m in, or that people in college are usually that way.

I think this band is pretty cool.

the stretchy pants are on, i’ve got nothing to do with my time other than sit back and type on here. been a while since i’ve had this opportunity, and i’m not so sure what to do with it. it used to be that this would confuse me, and bring me to the gripping terror that my social life was over. it isn’t, it never was; but that’s how my mind operates. people are still around wherever i go, there’s an inexhaustible supply of them to meet — not that i want to meet them all. the place i’m at right now is certainly better than where i was this time last year, but that isn’t saying much; at least it’s somewhere. perhaps the world i grew up in never lived up to my expectations of what life would be like, but at this stage, it’s up to me to make life what i want it to be. it would just be nice if some of my expectations would happen to be true.

Every once and a while you find someone that excites you, and other times you just cant figure that person out. She’s been in other classes with me, but I didn’t realize what kind of person she was. She’s interesting, knows what she’s talking about, and isn’t afraid to express her opinions to me; but not to the extent where I’m always wrong. There’s still the problem where I think we like each other, but I’m still a bit too shy to find out what the other person thinks about that exactly. This is the way it always goes though. Eventually I’ll figure it out, but her being in the same major as me makes the nagging thought of failure all the more real. I detest awkwardness, and the thought of creating such a situation freaks me out just a little bit. But I still want to know. I”ve tried just passing off exactly how I feel about this one as just another crush, making up excuses as to why I should stay single in my head; but every time we speak all those reasons don’t matter anymore. To me this is a difficult situation because I honestly don’t think I deserve anyone this perfect, but would certainly like to. Maybe I should just not worry about it, and just be glad a woman that brilliant exists at all; anything progressing past that, would be all the better. Plus I could use someone new to hang out with, since I consider the many of the people I don’t hang out with anymore raging alcoholics or bar flies, and I need someone who understands what it is to persue an academic goal. Yes, that’s what I need. Someone who knows what it is to want, and have gone after an academic goal. That person would understand me a little bit perhaps. I suppose writing on here wont remedy that though.

Having the feeling that I’m the only one doing the searching, and no one’s searching for me has dramatically affected my mood about all of this lately. With each person I”ve ever dated, it’s always been me who’s done the bumbling through the early stages of the relationship. No one’s ever come up to me, and shown a definite interest. This troubles me and if it ever happened, I would truly be stunned and happy at the same time. Maybe I’m just too shy about all of this. Everyone knows it’s what we’re all looking for, but for me it’s both what I want, and a little scary at the same time.

Around; that’s my location. Not just anywhere, that’s not specific enough; but, around will do. The continuum that is life flows around me, but I stand apart. Occasionally I interact with it. I’ve had a few flings in recent weeks, but not with anyone I remotely liked or wanted anything to do with after the fact. My mind is vexed by the prospect that my body can be with someone, yet, ultimately, deep in my soul I want nothing to do with them other than sex. The women I”m attracting don’t do it for me, and the one’s that do it for me seem to be crazier than I am! Maybe that’s what I”m into though: crazy women. They perplex me, catch me off guard, and know how to push all my buttons; even ones that weren’t apparent to me. Yet, there are no crazy ones around me now, and this saddens me. All the women seem perfectly normal, and submissive. Frustration has set in, and that’s the problem. Maybe there are a few that just hide their insanity from me, but I’ll never know if they don’t show it.

Sigh… they’re all just perfectly boring.