Make haste slowly

Once a year as the weather heats up, the pace picks up academically; this is such an occasion. Later today’s a midterm, and then work will start on writing up those four papers left to write.

Every couple of months the same synapse that makes me think, “there has to be a better use for my time,” strikes. Today just happens to be that day. It’s not so much that having time wasted bothers me; it’s knowing that it could have been wasted in a myriad of other ways — possibilities that may never come to pass again. Didn’t particularly doing much of anything, that could be considered productive this weekend, but the bars were avoided. when you’re living off of a loan, that’s probably for the best. There were many things that could have been done, that need to be done, that just weren’t done; few papers, some projects, side projects, and some other things forgotten. Could be describe as sort of lacking motivation, but it has to be more like writers block for getting things done or actually planning any outings with people. More or less, the lack of motivation extends to my wanting to call people up, see what they’re doing and hang out. If someone stops by, or calls me, that’s fine; but, the section of my brain that drive me to plan activities went on hiatus for now. Pretty sure if something new or exciting came my way it might motivate me, but for now it seems making a list of things to do could work a bit.

1. write that forestry application letter.
2. send that email to my professor saying I’ll show up to office hours.
3. actually start collecting papers for my project on ocean acidification.
4. start coming up with paper topics for those 4 other paper that will have to be written.
5. i don’t know…

1. start a mafia family

2. find more and better music to listen to.

3. rob a bank.

4. find more people to join mafia and hangout with on the weekends (pretty much done).

5. build a secret tunnel to mexico.

6. build a secret tunnel to canada.

7. collect protection money.

8. bribe my way to high office.

9. become ‘don calo.’

10. buy the state of michigan (nobody wants it anyway).

Often time it seems like all the things that transpire in my life are all for not. Nothing ever works out as planned; in the sense that all my time is spent and wasted for no gain. Each year the outcome of my efforts turns me up in exactly the same place in life as before. Never moving but always seeing, progress is a thing of the past. The over-dramatization of life, as learned through the TV growing up, leaves me disappointed in what has been had. There have been no grandiose adventures, dramatic moments that end perfectly, destiny that drives life forward; se nada especial? Everything that my eyes have intercepted from the pages of history cannot have possibly happened exactly the way as written. Why? It’s all so scripted. Turns out life is more like a cluster fuck where things happen for no reason at all. People are born, grown up, get together, breakup, fight, die, and all those other things; while, an intricate story is mysteriously written down to make us all feel like there was a grand scheme to it all along. In the end, whatever the story was, it doesn’t matter at all. In fact, it could have been completely different with no one caring at all.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes. Life currently feels like all my time is wasted pursuing people where ultimately nothing was possible to begin with. All my frustration stems out of that one simple fact. Every day getting up is the same as before; each time the rut just gets deeper. All the while I’ve just been distracting myself with various things like writing this blog, going to school, pretending that there’s an actual job to be had out there, etcetera. Music seems to be my only escape from reality but the variety of it has stagnated to the point where each track in my play list is known. One day I’ll lift myself out of this rut — hopefully before it gets too deep. Maybe this is what life is supposed to be. Still it must be a whole lot better than being stuck in an existence where life is scripted to the point of monotony.

All that and my stupid lab was canceled. They didn’t even leave a shitty note on the door!