Make haste slowly

Comes a certain point where one wonders why we take the exact actions we’ve taken over the years. Sure, it seems like I was in control. Looking back on some situations it seemed like at the time that it was the best option, but now, up on reflection, it’s not even that. Sometimes it’s because my brain needs a break, inability to see the outcome, or simply the prospect of doing something is too fearful. It’s hard to plainly characterize my own actions, let alone others. Once you’ve sat back looking them over, you can still only speculate as to why something was done or not done. Often times there’s a lack of desire to explore why people, either recently met or old friends, behave the way they do; curious they way certain people behave when you decided throw out a test of certain kinds. Throwing out simple contemplative tests can be fun; maybe just tossing out an odd remark to see how they behave. Especially with new people, my preference is to throw out enough intelligence testing just to see how well they can compete with me. Hard to say if some people catch on, just don’t care, or completely fail; but, surely the people who do catch on are the ones who pass my bullshit testing.

Other times I wonder If I’m just expecting too much from life, or if life is expecting too much from me. As a little kid life seemed magical in ever single way to the point where disillusionment took hold him my simple young mind. Confused is just how society wanted everyone to me be at the time but even they couldn’t the strange confusion to last forever, because at some point you make up your mind. Took a long time to realize why things where going in certain directions and why somethings were beyond control. Wasn’t until I disconnected from mainstream reality that there was an opportunity to think for myself. Probably the best choice ever taken on my part to unplug for a long time; unplugged is the only way to give yourself a solid reference to all the bullshit around you.