Make haste slowly

This thought crossed my mind the other day. Clothes, make-up, jewelry, tattoos; all just window dressing. They don’t change what’s behind the glass. It seems to me that some people tend to hide behind how they present themselves, rather than take it for what it should be. I know there are a lot of people that do it and, it’s probably something that wont be changing anytime soon; sure a reflection of consumerism though. People thing that the new shiny deal they bought into their life will make it better, but it wont in any meaningful way. Even many people who say they reject consumerism still define their lives with consumeristic dendancies. Those people tend to show off in other ways such as tattoos or the like with money piled into artwork on their skin, rather than clothes. Not saying your’s truely is an exception, but at least my excuses aren’t masked like some and instead I’ve tied all my resources into a college — the ultimate consumer buy in. Why does anyone go to school? To make the big bucks so they can buy more shit they don’t need and possibly get that higher status to be more important. Must just be part of us.

Turned the TV on for the first time in a while. Phew… not sure it could be turned off fast enough. I’ve developed an acute hatred for TV sitcoms. Is there some reason they all naturally suck, or do they have to actively? Just thought I should point that out…

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St. patty’s day was great and much better than the previous year; this year, I wasn’t trashed an in bed by 9pm. Started out the walking over to Jordan’s pad because he was being too lazy to go. Played some PS3 for a while as no one wanted to show up at 6pm anywhere. At some point Brian showed up, Whitney called us up and was confused at first because she sounds an awful lot like Kadie on the phone. From there Jordan, Brian and I headed down to Normal St (don’t remember it’s new name) to meet up with Shelby, Whitney, and a few others. Wow, it was a dead night for St. Patty’s.

This St. patty’s day was great and much better than the previous year; this year, I wasn’t trashed an in bed by 9pm. Started out the walking over to Jordan’s pad because he was being too lazy to go. Played some PS3 for a while as no one wanted to show up at 6pm anywhere. At some point Brian showed up, Whitney called us up and was confused at first because she sounds an awful lot like Kadie on the phone. From there Jordan, Brian and I headed down to Normal St (don’t remember it’s new name) to meet up with Shelby, Whitney, and a few others. Wow, it was a dead night for St. Patty’s. There was practically no one in the bars we went to. Duffy’s, Riley’s, and the like were probably filled to the brim and even the Bear shut down at 10pm. By the time we made it down to Duffy’s it was locked up for the night.

There was some weird happenings though. Weird events are not something I like to have happen but there was some weirdness between Kristin and her gang. Sure I have a thing for her, but there was some extreme confusion during and after I hung out with her and it just didn’t work out. Discussed Kristin with Sarah and a few people but all they said was, “don’t bother, since it seemed like she never wanted to do anything.” Went with their advice more or less as a cop-out. After this , I saw them at the Ubar at some point and it just seemed awkward.

Since then, I’ve run into them again with similar happenings. Couldn’t bring myself to go over to Kristin on St. Patty’s and just remained in with the group. Even more awkwardly I’ve had a thing for Whitney since before I headed out with Kristin a few weeks ago, that didn’t work out either. Thought she had a thing for me, for a while, but I was still freaked out about my ex and her being Brian’s sister was a little weird at first. Made a few moves on her a ways back. Since then I’ve been pretty passive on figuring out who’s into me, which is getting to be a little frustrating and perhaps the cause a few panic attacks over the last few days.

Comes a certain point where one wonders why we take the exact actions we’ve taken over the years. Sure, it seems like I was in control. Looking back on some situations it seemed like at the time that it was the best option, but now, up on reflection, it’s not even that. Sometimes it’s because my brain needs a break, inability to see the outcome, or simply the prospect of doing something is too fearful. It’s hard to plainly characterize my own actions, let alone others. Once you’ve sat back looking them over, you can still only speculate as to why something was done or not done. Often times there’s a lack of desire to explore why people, either recently met or old friends, behave the way they do; curious they way certain people behave when you decided throw out a test of certain kinds. Throwing out simple contemplative tests can be fun; maybe just tossing out an odd remark to see how they behave. Especially with new people, my preference is to throw out enough intelligence testing just to see how well they can compete with me. Hard to say if some people catch on, just don’t care, or completely fail; but, surely the people who do catch on are the ones who pass my bullshit testing.

Other times I wonder If I’m just expecting too much from life, or if life is expecting too much from me. As a little kid life seemed magical in ever single way to the point where disillusionment took hold him my simple young mind. Confused is just how society wanted everyone to me be at the time but even they couldn’t the strange confusion to last forever, because at some point you make up your mind. Took a long time to realize why things where going in certain directions and why somethings were beyond control. Wasn’t until I disconnected from mainstream reality that there was an opportunity to think for myself. Probably the best choice ever taken on my part to unplug for a long time; unplugged is the only way to give yourself a solid reference to all the bullshit around you.

Been a while since looking out my window an the thought crossed my mind that there was enough spare time to go outside in the sunshine. We need rain but it seriously fucks up  my damn parade — maybe more so than others. Now that it’s all finished, for a time, I can return to going with the flow, off on my own out in the awesome weather. Hard to describe the feeling when out lazing or riding around in the sunshine short of exhilarating. Things are going alright and even though nothing has been planned on my part, it’s certain that there’ll be plenty to do over the break. For now to make the most of it is what needs to happen, starting off with a friday ride through the park.

This post is necessary to write and it’s been put of far too long — mostly because the topic depresses me. I’ve decided that most, if not all, women I’ve dated are certifiably insane people. Perhaps there’s an exception or two but, provide I start learning when to jump out of a disaster waiting to happen, it should be fine. Case in point, my ex Sarah C. Sarah C. meant well (maybe) and in fact was alright for a while but certain things should have tipped me off to her insane nature. The first should have been that our official first date included meeting her parents while passing their “inspection” of sorts; wasn’t too bad as it mostly consisted of us having dinner with her parents, playing cards with her grandma and then finally going to a baseball game with her family. That whole scenario wasn’t too bad it should have made me think second thought about what I was getting into. The combination of being incredibly horny along with all this probably didn’t help my decision process either. I suppose that her letting me bang her on the first date should have been another key warning but I’ll let that slide. Realizing that she didn’t actually live in Chico and was just visiting should have been the deal breaker of deal breakers, and it was the first time around…the fateful night that I should have ended the relationship completely is when I met her out at the bars for where she proceeded to get INCREDIBLY drunk, get kicked out of the bar, lose all her stuff, strip naked running around down the street from Riley’s, want me to fuck her in public, and refuse to put her clothes back on; didn’t end there either. After all this had happened it seemed like I couldn’t abandon her while she was this drunk and took me until 4am to get her actually into the car so I could take her home. Next day I got this call at 6am where she was in tears proclaiming how much she wanted to be my GF. Some how she made it up to me and convinced me to stick around just long enough to blind side me with a ton of drama. We broke up but didn’t really. How can you when you still used to see each other ever once and a while like you were still dating. Think this is where I started to stop trusting women again for a while especially after a sweet official breakup on my birth day.

Oh no! Apparently I still hadn’t taken enough punishment from her and we eventually got back together over the next semester– which is why deleting phone numbers of my ex’s is now mandatory because there certainly isn’t going to be a third round here. She knew right when to come back into the scene too, directly after my grandfather and mike died. She swooped in, comforted me, make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside again, and convinced me to move in with her down in the bay. So at the end of the semester with 2k in my pocket and not much else, I moved down to the bay for some interesting times. Went well for a while, all was well, met all of her friends and didn’t know a single person beside her of course. Think probably would have worked out if I could have actually found a job but that wasn’t particularly going to work out since she wanted to move again, to Santa Rosa — which threw off the whole arrangement pretty savagely because I had already applied for college where we were, in San Leandro, at CSU East Bay. Once the decision to move had been made, I was screwed on college because I couldn’t get into the CSU in Santa Rosa, as the deadline had past. All in all it would have set my college career back the better part of a year and made me contemplate a completely new course for myself. Ended up choosing Environmental Science because it would get me out of college more quickly but now that I’m in it, don’t think I would change back to Civil Engineering. Between running out of cash, taking out a loan, and my college career being crushed, I think maybe she just felt bad for dragging me through all this — except, that I chose to do it. At some point we had decided that I’d drive between Chico and Santa Rosa, continuing on at CSUC. So at some point I decided that I’d fallen in love with her and perhaps jumped the gun, telling her one night before we went to sleep. We had been in a off and on relationship for the better part of a year or so and we’d lived together most of the summer; just happened. Fairly disparaging when the person you’re saying, “I love you” to, remains silent, never says anything at all, and just goes to sleep. Next day, that was it and we’d broken up.

Maybe all this stuff happened because I wanted to get out and see what things were out of Chico or that I REALLY wanted some sort of meaningful relationship but either way, I just don’t trust women currently. Giving it a shot was still something that needed to be done but at least now I know a few things to watch out for. I still want the meaningful relationship part but am just a bit more wary of it and am more than a bit afraid of getting into one. Wow, that took a while to figure out but needed to be done. Don’t think I have a song to go with this post.

It’s been an eventful couple of days. Started Friday out at the naked lounge with Lucas and Sarah. We mostly talked business during that deal but once that was over Lucas and I opted to hit the bars for a while. Once we tired of the bars we took of to a party way out in the orchards somewhere. I must say I felt really old at that party because I was clearly the oldest one there — Lucas and I probably being the only ones over 21. Topped the night off hanging out with two people I can’t quite remember that names of, but anyway, we hangout with them smoking a hookah, talking for a good long while.

Saturday was probably about just as good. Hit the town with Ryan, Ricky and
Jake. Later on we met up with a few of Ryan’s coworkers. One was named Apollo and the other, I think, was named Serj — could be wrong on the latter because he was from India. Was one of the few nights I was able to actually get the pool table at the Ubar. It’s clearly been some time since last time playing; my game was definitely a bit off. We’ve been playing this game where if you drink from your right hand, someone can call ‘buffalo’ and then you are required to chug whatever is left in the glass. Those fucks got me twice last night once when I had a Guinness too… From there we went down to the Duff for a while and played some dice. This is where I learned the hard way you don’t play 1-4-24 and stack the dice thrice. The consequence of this is that you have to take a shot of the shittiest gin you can find at the bar — apparently it goes below ‘well’ gin… Not particularly sure why Ricky ditched out on us but it could have been that we were going into the bear after the Duff. Was a serious high school convention in there last night. Ran into some people I hadn’t seen in a while too. Nell was a bit hotter than I remember too but that’s never a bad thing right?

Hmm… use to be I could write one of these blog deals multiple time during a day. Still whoever came up with this buffalo game and the three stack lowest gin shot is a sick fuck. I’m probably going to have night terrors about that gin shot all week.

Seriously. Not sure what it is about me but people live to tell me about whoever I’m hanging out with if it’s a chick and they think I might be banging her; Case in point, Sarah. I’ve only known her maybe 3 or 4 months, give or take my bad memory for this stuff. She and I hang out enough I suppose, no more than anyone else, and it seems that everyone has taken that as she and I must be banging or something. People are going to think what they think, except that in this case they’re clearly wrong. Not saying that if I she and I got drunk one night, stuff might not happen but I’m perfectly fine with my current situation. So far I’ve have eight or nine people tell me point blank, “watch out, she’s trouble” or variations of that line. Kind of makes you wonder why people would make a point to tell you this stuff given that some of them don’t even live in chico anyore! Just don’t see what the huge deal is here.

Wow. It’s been a long time since food has made me physically sweat bullets as I’m eating it. Couldn’t stop though; it was a challenge that must be completed. That smug look on the waiters face as the words, “would you like it spicy?” came out. Of course my answer was, “yes.” Who’d I be to turn down some spicy food? Certainly not a Calo! Anyway, never thought it would come down to the point where I’d have to resort to an antacid…am I getting old?

Oh well. My next step? To steal Portugal. Figured I’d start out small and work up to other countries. Think Portugal can fit under and over-sized coat. It’s fun being weird, but I think if anyone actually read my posts they’d think I was strange a fuck all the time. Think my next goal for the year is to find a chick who’s either as weird as me or at least enjoys my idiosyncrasies because they’re not going away with out drugs — and maybe a razor in the case of my being gifted with apeman style body hair.

Everything is going to plan as I will soon be the supreme ruler of all thought. First the Star Of India must be consumed and then the world! Other than that all there is to do, is work on a little shitty research deal about biomes. As long as there’s enough to say about tundra for the roughly two minutes I’ll be talking, then I’ll be fine! Provided the guy in my group actually does anything besides winging it. That being said, if he does fuck it up, I’m holding all the cards and can simply get full credit while he cannot. How would that be done you ask? Simply because I know the teacher somewhat, and he’ll take my word over his. I made the whole project and the other guy hasn’t done shit besides watch me and make shitty jokes.

For now I’ll forget that and head of to the Star of India with Ryan and possibly Ricky. Even though the place is right down the street from me, I’ve never been there. Kind of odd since good curry is one of my weaknesses. Maybe I should marry and india chick that knows how to make curry. That could work out well, except that I don’t know any india chicks. The mexican women I’ve dated have been alright but I’m still not sure why I choose the people I choose. Hell, I’m not even sure why people choose me; other than the fact that I’m completely awesome in every way. Who else do they know with a crazy red beard and the nick name Manmeat? No one, that’s what I thought.

Damn it. I’m starving. This show needs to get on the road. Maybe I’ll post fake ads on craigslist until they get here. Tee hee.