Make haste slowly

Wow. I need to stop writing these things when I get home from the bars. They never sound the way they should or come out they way it seems they should. Damn.

Seems no matter who I head out on the town with, it never seems to be the end all, be all, of what I wanted. I know exactly why I feel this way every single time I head out with them. It’s because no matter how often I decide on who I’m interested in, that person hasn’t decided on on me in return for a very long time. For now I’ll relegate my listening and frustration to my awesome head phones, of which I now currently hate because the sounds emanating from them cannot be shared with anyone I want. This happens everytime hit the town with friends. It’s slowly getting to the point where I no longer want to do anything. I can’t fix myself anymore. Someone else will have to do that. All I’m saying is that one of these days someone will complete the circuit to what I’m talking about instead of passively admonishing me for what they interpret as unacceptable. Wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to listen to songs about what I wanted out of life for a little while.

Don’t want to have what looks to me like normal emotions to everyone else, but are a facade to myself. I don’t enjoy returning home from a night out only to be brought sickeningly to my knees because I’m unable to handle my emotions. It would be nice to know that woman like that were to show up at some point in my life but I don’t think she’s ever going to come hug and reassure me. That’s what makes me want to sit here and claw my eyes out at night when no one else know what’s going on in my life; not because I’m mysteriously stricken by a mysterious depression. It’s a very simply thing to understand and grasp. I’m tiring of dealing with other poeples problems and to feel only they only care for themselves when I at least attempt to understand their problems.

Understand me and I might want to understand you. For as long as I’ve been wrting long posts that lead to no where, that’s as best as I can explain what I’m looking for, even if other people are looking for someting else right in front of me and won’t understand what’s going on with me. Why else whould I sit here listenign to ‘A Perfect Circle – Passive’ for what seems like ages…

In no particular hierarchy, these are the bands/people I haven’t gone to see that I would like to:

1. Sonic Youth
2. Pearl Jam
3. Primus (if they ever do a reunion show)
4. Mr. Bungle
5. System Of A Down
6. The Jesus Lizard
7. A Perfect Circle
8. Radiohead
9. The Desert Sessions (QOTSA thing but more of a festival type deal)
10. The Misfits
11. Spiritualized
12. Saxon Shore
13. Porcupine Tree
14. Red Hot Chili Peppers
15. Nine Inch Nails
16. Mudhoney
17. Mogwai
18. Melvins
19. Meat Puppets
20. Frank Black (Pixies)
21. Dinosaur Jr.
22. Deftones
23. Dead Kennedy’s
24. Buckethead (too bad they sued him to take off the KFC bucket…)
25. Black Keys

I swear it’s impossible to find roommates that you actually want to live with, short of just hitting craigslist and randomly choosing people that might be alright to live with. Honestly it might be easier to start dating someone, wait to see if things work out, continue seeing eachother, and then move in together. Might actually take less time and could potentially be a better deal — except for some other issues that come along with it.

Another one of those days where I’m bored to tears sitting in the library using this machiny deal to write on my blog. Suppose that won’t be a problem too much longer since class is in about 15 minutes but still i kind of wish i had placed my classes in better time blocks. Instead I have hour to 4 hour gaps between classes and having a lab place at 8am on a wednesday just isn’t much fun, especially when it’s the only day of the week you have a class that early. This reminds me that I’ve located my student ID and can now search the job listings once my account is reactivated by the thoroughly annoying career center because there’s so much time in my hands I really don’t know what to do with it. Past semesters I’ve had the problem where there’s too much to do that I actually could not date a person anymore or, rather, just looked like an ass because I didn’t have any time to do anything but would still try anyway. This semester I’ve got other issues but whatever, they’ll get figured out. Oh well, now it’s off to class time for me.

This could take a bit longer than I though it was going to take but then it’s been an on going process since last semester at least. Suppose I could just use the CSU’s housing department to find a place but I’m sure I’d end up with people I don’t like or ones that party constantly. There are a few people I’d prefer to live with but they’re either already in a lease or don’t have money and jobs — which will become my predicament once summer arrives. A summer job is another thing I haven’t thought of since I’ve been told of a summer internship with the forestry service but don’t know much about it other than the head of the department has connections. For all I know it could involve me traveling somewhere for the summer and in which case I wouldn’t even need an apartment per se for most of the summer, just storage. Then again if the forestry service pays enough that could be something to not be worried about. Probably need to just find a few decent roommates through craigslist or something, bite the bullet, and move out — it’s not like I’ll be stuck there forever.

So far the weekend was alright. Was much more interesting than I thought it was going to be. Friday was great. Went out with the gang and ultimately found out that I have an in with certain women specifically because of my major — that’s a new one. Saturday night was Modest Mouse. It was a pretty good night too. Went out for pizza and then headed down to the movie. We waited until the line was completely gone before we went in because if there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s a line — pretty much like I remember last time. Went up stairs and had a few beers slowly worked our way into better seats because MM is good but they’re not good enough for me to go deaf for — that was the first time I’ve listened to them in a great while (probably years). It would have been even better if I didn’t have to go on an adventure down town looking for a toilet with toilet paper! Which was never found and so I just had to tough it out, but that’s what I get for over eating at mountain mikes before the show… next time I’ll remember not to do that.

Sunday, Ryan, Brian and I went on an adventure to the snow. Our original plan was to just Ryan and I going to the snow because no one else wanted to go but Brian’s bike race ended early because only one other person showed for his division ranking and he won. So, the three of us started up 32 looking for snow. We found lots but it was exceptionally rainy everywhere we went but that didn’t stop us from making the most of the day traveling around looking for interesting, odd or weird places to go or see. Our first stop was Indian Falls where we hiked around and took a few picture of us climbing around on the rocks, the waterfall, and the surrounding area. Once we were done there we found what looked to be an abandoned burned out complex which we were going to walk into but there were quite a few “no trespassing signs” all over the place. So our new plan is to go back next weekend when it’s dark, sneak/hike in wearing camo, and take pictures/video of the place. After getting semi-trapped in that place we headed down the road to catch the train and take a few photo’s of that as well but the camera kept fogging up on us. The next stop was another PG&E location that was a hydro-dam. It took a while to get to but was worth it to snoop around and check things out for a while. Was a pretty interesting because it literally had this old town next to it, just for PG&E workers but no one was actually there. The actual power house was pretty interesting because it had all these warning signs posted showing you exactly what the spray could get to in less than 3 seconds, plus there was a path that went all the way around the thing and you could look in the windows. The drive back was pretty much uneventful with the exception of some serious rain and fog so think you could cut through it.

Some pictures of the outing: http://www.flickr.com/photos/strukanb/sets/72157614238899683/

Tonight was down right fun! Started off at chili’s with Ryan, Ricky, Sarah, and myself. After dinner with split up for a bit but then headed down to the ubar for some drinks. Was fun down there. Ubar was interesting for a while, chatted and what not for a while until Sarah spilt a beer on Ryan and he had to change. From there we headed down to the duff for a while where we played many games of dice! I swear, every time we play for money I end up getting a 24 and then someone ties me! Bastards! We tied 4 times in a row to bring the pot to $20 before it was over. Either way it was fun. We topped the night off with my helping Ryan meet a chick I had talked to in some class or another I’d had. Seems I still have what take because one of the two women seem to be interested. Didn’t bother with numbers because chances are I’ll see them again since Ryan go the one he was interested to contact him. Well see what happens. Never been a fan of meeting people in a bar but who know what life holds for us.

Another one of these posts. No one reads this place so… whatever. Know I completely am unsure of what I’m looking for but what I do know is that it’s going to have to be a 50/50 deal. Everyone I’ve gone after lately it feels a bit more like a 75/25 or 100/0 relationship to me. I don’t know, maybe I’m just thinking of this the wrong way but I think which ever woman I run into that’s willing to split it 50/50 is going to be my next target. Suppose all it is would be is not having to invite her to do something all the time, possibly random calls out of the blue. Doesn’t seem that complicated or unreasonable to me but that’s how I run things and if they’re not willing to do that, is it worth my time? All I need is some reciprocation.

Wow. It always shows up just as sudden as it leaves, but predictably so — in fact write this post is a symptom of my procrastination. Maybe it’s just that I don’t find the studying to be extra crucial right now or that I have all night to do it but, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a lack of motivation to actually reach to the floor and pick up where I left off last night. Maybe I think this class is particularly worthless in my case and that I shouldn’t have to bother with it. Maybe I just have other stuff on my mind to deal with. Eh, it’s probably a combination of reasons as to why the procrastination has struck me. Shit, I’ll even just sit here staring into at nothing instead of doing it. Can’t be the only one who does this or they wouldn’t have a name for it. At least now bike rides are a possibility again and this time I’m not taking chances and going with the lock I know won’t get cut through — now if only they made the bike racks out of the same material… I’m too tired to think straight but coffee might help that predicament with the down side of keeping me up longer than needed guaranteed.