Make haste slowly

I’ve decided to stop all this bullshit and just do whatever the fuck I want to do. If I’m interested in someone I’m going to do it. If she plays with me too long I’ll just go after someone else and leave her wondering where I went to. Seems like a great game plan to me. After all I only have one life to life to live, give and all that; giving my life to someone who deserves it is my aim. If they don’t get me, want anything to do with me, or just don’t get along with me then they weren’t worthy of having me in the first place. I’m tired of attempting to open up my mind, body, soul, guts, etc. to show that would like to date or be a part of someone’s life. I’m tired of trying to prove beyond a doubt that I’m what she wants. I’m tired of jumping through hoop after endless hoop to get to the non-existent end. May be lonely and afraid to be alone for the rest of my life but I’d rather endure a life time alone than be with someone who doesn’t deserve my love. Only a few women I’ve known have ever shown themselves deserving enough, but in the end they proved me wrong.

We’re all looking for a great life and someone to share it with but in my case I’ve been searching too long and too hard to fill that emptiness that I feel every second of day as my heart keeps beating to its end. Why shouldn’t the woman of my dreams be searching for me as well? Our western society dictates that it only be the man that goes out looking for the woman but if the woman in my life really wants all those new right she’s been fighting for over the centuries to achieve, she better take the good with the bad and not be a glad bagger because I sure fucking won’t respect that. Deciding that you want only the good parts of being the male role is complete and utter bullshit and it doesn’t work that way. I can’t escape it so you’re not going to either. Maybe life’s got me by the balls right now but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit back and take all this shit dished out my way every fucking day of the year and especially not this year! My new years resolution is to never again be walked all over by women who treat me like I don’t fucking matter at all and am something to be experimented on.

Most of all I’m tired of having to pretend all the time that it’s okay that no woman wants to hear exactly what I think because there’s nothing wrong with me. I honestly want to know what the woman of my dreams has to say and she should want to know what I have to say too. Exceedingly disgusted with having to dumb myself down in order to not overwhelm a woman I want to fuck, love, and do everything in-between with. No matter how often I meet someone I feel disgusted with myself when they don’t see where I’m coming from any anything. I’m either to slow, too fast, too tall, too skinny, too fat, too dumb, too intelligent, too nice, too mean, too something — nothing but fucking excuses.

We all have exes and yet no one understands that I’m not their fucking ex. I’ve probably never met your ex, don’t want to meet you ex, understand why you don’t like your ex all because I’m not your ex. When you keep telling me about the things your ex did, does, might do, it tells me that you don’t like those things? Great, but don’t try to turn me into everything you’re ex wasn’t because that’s fucking bullshit. You’re never going to find a self-respecting person who’s going allow you to brainwash them into becoming something that they’re not and will truly hate being. I understand that you’re looking for the perfect person but that person will never exist and it’s time you come to grips with the reality that the things you see in the movies don’t happen, won’t happen, and are fantasies of the delusional.

Through ranting about all of this and if you don’t get it then go fuck yourself.

Edit: the side effects of vicodin were quite influential in the writing of this post.

Seems every waking thought that has been churning through whatever mind is is left in my skull sits idle on he fact of my being alone. At some point in my existence I was happy enough not being with anyone but that doesn’t cut it anymore. Trying to think about something else doesn’t work and the problem still persists. Someday I’ll find a woman who feels the same way about me as I do about her, but my luck seems to be exceedingly poor. Maybe there’s some fundamental disconnect with reality in my case but either way I’m alone and that’s all there is to it.

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Seems my surgery went alright. My face is as puffy as I’ve ever had it be with it feeling like two large balloons are puffed up on my upper jaw line. At least I didn’t have to have any teeth pulled. According to the packet they sent me home with I’m not supposed to exercise or over exert myself in any way for the next seven days. So far I’ve been instructed to watch movies, play video games, take pain killers (oddly the vicodin is labeled m357), and try to rest. Harder said than done since I have bigger problems on my mind that having my mouth sliced up and havoc wreaked upon it. I’m more worried about my woman issues than anything else these days. After a few letters and never hearing anything back about it it’s very disheartening and nerve wracking to spill your guts open to the woman you desire and never hear anything back. She’s stuck in my head and that’s all I care about these days. Sigh… at least Whitney knows how I feel about her; knowing that I’ve stated my feelings makes me breathe a little easier and now won’t regret not saying something like used to be the case.

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Still feel like there’s much more to say but I’ll have to leave that for another day.

A good combination. Just seems to be the way things must inorder for them to exist. Halcion is the drug that they’ve hidden from us. — magica in all it’s ways. Like being high but without any of the smoking hastle. Only side effect so far seems to be drowsiness and sleep. A bit hard to write this letter and a bit harder to love my arms, legs and fingers as I would normally. For all purposes Halcion is a bad ass sedative — which is probably why they only gave me two pills of the stuff. Beats alcohol and weed combine. As my life teeters on the edge day wake and night slumber, I fight to stay in the middle ground so neither side can fully take me. Such is life.

Just had a convincing reality where whitney, brian, and I were traveling in space but there was a alien trying to clean to windows but we couldn’t resist his smile and ended up letting him clean the wind shield as we flew in the galactic adventure.

Time to go, I’m told.

Update: That was some heavy duty shit they gave me. My eyes started getting heavy around 10min after taking them and a short while after I was deep vivid dream states but still awake. Whoa. Was writing the above text as it was going on so I don’t even remember the details.

Tomorrow’s the day I get sliced open and get the gum grafts done. Not too thrilled about it but anyway I look at it, it’s wholely necessary so that I can keep my teeth. The down time of two weeks is going to be the most annoying part but I’ll use that time to do productive things like watching TV, playing video games, and listening to music — not that I don’t do that already but I’ve been forbidden from working out at all in any way. Only thing I’ll be good for is sitting, taking vicodin, drinking all my food blended, and that’s about it.

Seems that over at CSUC it takes them a serious decade to update their databases with the previous semester’s grades. Was only a little worried about a couple of classes but seems the one I was most worried about came out much better than expected. Feel like after struggling through earth systems science — with that teacher in particular — I’ve been at least validated in environmental science. A little unhappy that I came out in the end with C+’s in second semester chem and physical geology, but I’ll take then either way since I’ll never have to deal with a straight chem class or geology class — they’ll always be in the classes but in smaller portions that are easier to deal with. Did however find the teacher that will boost your GPA because all his classes are cake; I will be taking more of his classes! So far all that’s left are upper division classes and one philosophy class that is now required but wasn’t required in the previous major. There’s always some new requirement you run into each time you shift your focus. I’ll be thoroughly happy after this coming semester when all of my theme classes are knocked out of the way and I have nothing to do but focus on topics that I’m interested in.

So far this next semeter the classes will be:

• Biol 152, Principles of Ecology, Evolution, and Organic Biology (4.0)
• Geos 166, Environment II: Ecosystems Supervision (2.0)
• Geos 270, California Water (2.0)
• Geos 330, Environmental Science (3.0)
• Geos 354, Science and Ethics (3.0)
• Geos 460, Water Resource Management (3.0)

All together that’s 17 units and I’ve done 16 before at once. Not particularly sure if I can handle all those at once but I’ll give it a week and see how it goes before I decide if I’m going to drop one. If it do drop one it’ll be science and ethics since it’s not a requirement for anything — just an interesting class I wanted to take. Next stop I have to figure out if I want to go straight into grad school, do the peace corp, or work for a while. Often thought that to get where one must go you needed to cheat their way to the top; however, in moving toward completion of my chosen path, it has been shown to me the error of the concept in which you must deceive to receive fulfillment.

Finally got around to sorting through all my music and seems I’m finally above the 1000 album barrier with 4 weeks 5 days 5:43:43.852 of music to listen to. Seems I wont be getting bored for a while.

So the night didn’t turn out how I wanted it to but I decided it was alright night even though the person I wanted to show up didn’t.

I’ll rummage through my collection and find a song….

There we go…

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I find a great deal of comfort in that song and would blow my ears out with the grado’s if I could — except then I wouldn’t be able to hear such beauty again. ;-P

Still I can never figure out what to listen to after a song I’m so smitten with. Don’t know why, that’s just the way it is with me but random never brings me what I’m looking for. Most days I wish I knew most people thought about me because then I wouldn’t have to sit up late at night feeling completely stressed out and unable to concentrate. Most night before my eye’s roll back into my head on the verge of sleep I wonder if I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Perhaps dwelling on that topic too long hasn’t done be too much good but I can’t help it. :-\

Still this is what it feels like around her…

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…and that’s the best I’ve felt around someone in ages.

The night ended up being a bust of sorts so I guess I’ll just get to bed early so I can start planning something for tomorrow. Seems the best thing to do.

Another one of those days where I haven’t found much to do and that annoys me more than most things should annoy a person. Maybe that’s one of my faults as a person since being bored drives me to do things that wouldn’t normally be done. Does make for an interesting time but invariable most times leads to a party of some kind and some days I wish that there was something other than partying to be had. Some days a party is what I’m looking for but maybe just a basic house get together, movie, type deal is what needs to happen. Night’s not over yet so something might still happen, but I’m not holding my breath until what I want to happen, happens. So until then I’ll just sit back, send a few messages out, and see what other people want to do.

On the other hand tonight might be one of those days where I need sit back, do my own thing, and not participate. Hard to say but that’s one of those things I believe is necessary when you’re interested in someone so they can have their own time and space to figure things out.