Sitting in biology at the end of the day today — not the end but close enough — the realization dawned on me that the world was a giant bowl of shit. You may be asking yourself, “why a bowl of shit, Ben?” I’ll tell you why. All day long we sit back living it up in our nice cube shaped above ground caves while the rest of the world eats our shit — quite literally too. We’re born into the shit our parents and everyone else shat before we came into the world. Right off the bat we decided it would be great to throw our hat into the ring and help fill the world with shit too. Not just shit, as in shit shit, but much much more shit that we feel compelled to burn and waft into the air for all to breathe. Sooner rather than later our kids will start dumping their shit on top of all the other shit, and the cycle continues. This is why the world is a bowl of shit. Enjoy!
Stay tuned, other exciting revelations about life soon to follow!
Another year down and who knows how many more to go before my life is forfeit to the cycle of life. Each year it’s a little more apparent with relatives, friends, and acquaintances pass on. People my age are already having kids with one good friend just having her own. Used to seem like there was an endless expanse in which to play out my life’s ambitions until it was just right but these days that delusion has a few cracks in the glass. One day I might awaken to a completely different reality than once was known or could be seen.
Still young these things should bother me except for the fact that my youth is slowly ticking away along with everyone else’s and that at least puts me on common ground with the rest. Being able to imagine five years as a short period of time was once something that seemed inconceivable yet these days I’ll be nearing 30 in that amount of time. New ideas always bring with them new problems and it’s time to solve a few of these. In one year’s time my undergraduate degree will be done and it will be time to do something with my life. Whether what’s decided is to continue on with college, devoting more time to a girlfriend, or joining the peace corps, at least it’ll be something. Been watching life slip my eyes by for too long — it’s time thing’s change a little bit to maintain my sanity and happiness.
Someday I’ll figure it out. One step at a time. One at a time.
Looking back on entirety of thing’s done by me for other people; it all boils down to being nice to better my odds in life. Isn’t that everyone one’s aim in the end? Our true intent is obfuscated from the people we seek something from whether it be a purchase, simple conversation, friendship, relationship, or love. Love being the most obfuscating of all because we all pursue it but almost never act on it directly in order to receive it, because, well, you can’t force love. Could be that my brain is incapable if seeing the true intent of other where as the others I know can read me like and open book. Maybe that’s what my goal is but either way my imagination doesn’t see a way around what it is that pains me. No, in the end you are required to brave a new path to get where and what you need. Tiring I know but none the less completely necessary because how else would someone actually know that you are for real and not obfuscating an ulterior motive of using their trust in you. Realizing that you’re no longer indestructible can change your life’s perspective on occasion such as it has changed mine.
Life’s complicated with many thing’s obfuscated from view but sometimes it can be necessary to add just a little more to make your world a hair prettier than it was before; after all, no one wants to see the actual guts of how life operates all the time. Get down to business when you must but the rest is an art form necessary for living — keeping in mind that breaking down a barrier or two can be more than awesome. Then again maybe I’m just clinically insane like some people I know.
This week has been so mother fucking boring it’s impossible to put it into words. Must be how a hermit feels except that this isn’t my choice to sit here doing nothing. Ugh… I’ve played my fill of video games, listened to my fair share of music, watched endless movies, and struggled to eat the simplest of food items. My week in a nutshell right there and this weekend isn’t shaping up to be any fun at all with everyone away, sick, or already having other plans. Fuck it, I’m going to bed before this week gets any worse.
When looking back on how my life came to be how it is, it feels like my life has been well lived to date but has it truly? Would love to think that my time has been spent to the utmost. Hopefully many good long years are left to be lived out for me even though a few friend’s and family member’s lives were ended last year. Those events sparked a synapse in my brain that at first sent me over the edge and into the arms of another to find comfort, but she was the wrong one. I suppose that’s bound to happen to everyone at some point in their lives but it felt so right and next time. I want it to be real instead of someone seeing my circumstances and jumping on the occasion to use me to their advantage. No one wants to feel used and neither do I, ever again. Should think that way though because deep in my gut it feels like there must be someone who wants more than that. Being afraid of that isn’t an excuse to not try again.
Well so far the healing process is going well for me, with the exception of going into the ER on thursday night/friday morning. Was going to go out tonight but while getting ready my taste buds notified me of an all too familiar taste which required my attention. This time I’ll stay bed ridden and obey the doctors orders, but that’s not quite what I want to talk about.
Who would have thought? Another post about women. Hopefully what the things written on here about women are flattering to them but that’s up to them. Either way all I want, just once, is for a woman that’s interested in me to just come up to me an say it to my face. Don’t get me wrong, all the game playing can be a bit amusing at times but there’s a limit and that limit is closing in fast. Feels down right strange for me to give up on someone each and every time, except for the fact that it’s necessary. It’s just nice to feel that when you’re going after someone that they at least want to say something whether it be a text message, phone call, email, or anything; otherwise, the silence feels like you’re being ignored. Just nice to know they about me still. Hell, would be down right thrilled if whoever was interested in me decided they wanted to call me all the time. Know that’s how things are done with me but no one wants to be that way with me. Maybe the isolation after surgery is just getting to me though.
Oh well, back to movie watching so my threads of my fraying mind can at least think about something else for a while.
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Ended up in the ER last night. Felled by a milk shake of all things. The suction burst a blood vessel along the site they took my grafts from. Couldn’t stop the bleeding with the directions that were given to me by the surgeon and at that point opted to make a dash to the emergency room since the bucket my blood was dripping into was filling up faster than made me comfortable. Also didn’t help that my nurse mother passed out at the site of the blood and was unable to help out…Luckily we encountered a doctor in the ER that knew what he was doing. Had they cauterized the roof of my mouth then my world would be toppling down.
Word to the wise: if you have oral surgery, don’t use a straw… 
The ER was not a fun place. When I got to the hospital it took a little bit to find the ER since they remodelled and once I was there the lady at the counter just looked at me funny as I was bleeding into a fucking bucket. Then they sat me down where I continued to bleed into a bucket and asked me questions that were hard to elaborate on since I was fucking bleeding from my mouth…after that I was able to actually get into the ER where they asked to see where it was. I openned wide and a blood shot out at them, much to their dismay. After the getting the biggest fucking needle I’ve ever seen stabbing my mouth, stitched up, and failing the walking test which meant that I had to get an IV, I’ll say it was a weird night.
All from a milk shake…
Today was the day exercise was a possibility for me again. Very nice day for it as well at 72 degrees. Hard to tell that it’s January at all with this winter heat wave. Ended up going to for my first bike ride after the surgery and all went well. Didn’t want to push myself on the ride since my legs have been fairly sedentary the last seven days. We’ll see if tonight can top the day when we go down to 33 steaks, booze, and jazz for the dualing pianos. Never had the experience of dualing pianos before but it should be nice enough.
Every day life is slowly taking it’s toll on me. Most other times I have been able to cope with the mundane things life throws my way. These days it’s getting to be too much. Like to think that it’s just my imagination playing tricks on me but I can’t deal with the number one stressor in my life. The feeling that gnaws away at my brain and drains me down to not much more than a hollow husk of a man at night. It’s getting to the point where being alone is causing me to have panic attacks as everything else piles on top of that feeling like salt on a wound. Only my opposite can relieve the tension that’s stressing me out, causing night after night of unrest so much so that functioning during the day can be troublesome at best. Accept a cure to this situation other than her would be an easy and insulting way to end the torment. Easy because my stress level would be lowered but insulting because my mind would not be continuously seeking her. Nothing else is more important to my life right now and the wait is driving me to insanity, but I’ll bide my time as long as I’m stuck here without.
Sitting back here in this chair wondering why it is that life seems to be made up of silly little games run either by accident, or purposefully, for reason that one can only thing are to ensure we get what we want. Would it not be easier to simply spill the beans, confess what we want in life and move on? Maybe my thoughts on the matter are completely off the mark but that’s what the case seems to look like. Still no complaining on my part is going to convince the world that they should give up their petty games and move on. It’s like everyone is running around afraid to say what they need for fear of being labeled what they truly are. Believe it or not if everyone absolutely had to fess up to what they truly wanted no one could persecute you for fear that they might be persecuted themselves. All that is required for my life to be a good and happy one is a good woman who knows that this man is what she’s looking for — harder said than done these days since it feels a great deal like no woman wants me even though that’s known to not be true. Someday the woman to solve all these issues for me will happen along but until then I’ll continue to be confused, a mess, and most often a tinge of completely unhappy.
As a side note to any future wives/exes: It’s long been known that every woman wants to change me (each time in a new direction…) but this personality has taken quite a bit of work to hone and polish, so try not to fuck it up while you’re here. Hmm?
Someday this place might get some comments on it but that would mean people would actually want to read it. For some reason my need to write on here persists.