Ever since she and I parted ways I thought I was alright. Now I realize that I’m not alright. Everything hurts. I ache down to my soul. I thought she loved me. My love my her is like a phantom limb. I still feel it even though she doesn’t want to be a part of my life anymore. Sometimes I wish I could numb the pain. The agony is almost too much to bare. Clawing my eye’s out would be more pleasurable than this. Trying to live with this pain is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure.
This song turned out to be completely true:
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I still miss her and am at a complete loss of words lately. She was the best; my one and only. I don’t know if I’ll stop thinking about Sarah. Her mere presence captivates me. Having been together with her is the reason she is all that I think about all day. Life is hard and it isn’t going to get any easier for me as far as I can tell. I would like nothing more that to be with her but that doesn’t seem to be in my future and it saddens me to think of that.
At 12 or 1 o’clock today I’ll be gone for about a week. No one will be able to call me or get in touch with me. It’s probably for the best considering. It will just be me and everyone at the summer camp for diabetic children. Basically my job there will be to monitor and make sure the kids check their blood sugar often and control it. I will also be given a few emergency shots to revive them in case they collapse on me.
That’s all for today.
Today I’m not sure what I feel. I would like to feel nothing. It’s going to be a hard time from here on out. Love; Broken; used. What should I feel? Unwanted? Stupid? Humiliated? My love for her sits like a festering wound heavy on my chest. It’s not bearable. Twice I’ve been bitten and there will not be a third. Maybe this is the way it would have always ended up. I do not care now, for nothing short of a miracle would let her back into my heart. She even asked me if I wanted to go to Santa Rosa with her. Why? So I can see what could have been? I may be stuck here for a few more days but I don’t have to pretend like nothing happened. Something did happen. I fell in love again and she stomped out my heart like a cigarette on the ground; the sparks scattering on the ground.
The worst part is feeling like I’m disgusting and unwanted. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I changed everything for her and in return I feel like this. I didn’t deserve this and no one should have to be put through it. So I must find someone who doesn’t make me feel this way in hopes that I can be happy once again.