Make haste slowly

So far I’ve just been playing video games for most of the day, and intertwining that with music when I’m not doing that; but, it felt lazy — which was probably the case — and ventured off on yet another bike ride into the park. Probably found one of the last thorns in all of the park on my last bike ride, because my front tire was flattened by one that stuck through the side of the tire. Either way, I’m glad the rain has ceased, the weather warming to the point where I don’t feel the need to bundle up. Anyway, while on that ride, the thought occurred to me that some people in my life were more narcissistic than I would like. It’s okay to be a little bit narcissistic, but some people are just overboard with it. All they think about is how to confirm their views; getting into arguments with you as to how you’re advice is wrong, when they asked for your advice. There’s a serious rash of narcissism going around in this town and, i suspect, all over the country. Maybe it’s just be, but it seems that most women I know, meet, or talk to seem to be very narcissistic. It didn’t used to be this way. Maybe it’s just the crowd I’m in, the town I’m in, or that people in college are usually that way.

I think this band is pretty cool.

the stretchy pants are on, i’ve got nothing to do with my time other than sit back and type on here. been a while since i’ve had this opportunity, and i’m not so sure what to do with it. it used to be that this would confuse me, and bring me to the gripping terror that my social life was over. it isn’t, it never was; but that’s how my mind operates. people are still around wherever i go, there’s an inexhaustible supply of them to meet — not that i want to meet them all. the place i’m at right now is certainly better than where i was this time last year, but that isn’t saying much; at least it’s somewhere. perhaps the world i grew up in never lived up to my expectations of what life would be like, but at this stage, it’s up to me to make life what i want it to be. it would just be nice if some of my expectations would happen to be true.

Every once and a while you find someone that excites you, and other times you just cant figure that person out. She’s been in other classes with me, but I didn’t realize what kind of person she was. She’s interesting, knows what she’s talking about, and isn’t afraid to express her opinions to me; but not to the extent where I’m always wrong. There’s still the problem where I think we like each other, but I’m still a bit too shy to find out what the other person thinks about that exactly. This is the way it always goes though. Eventually I’ll figure it out, but her being in the same major as me makes the nagging thought of failure all the more real. I detest awkwardness, and the thought of creating such a situation freaks me out just a little bit. But I still want to know. I”ve tried just passing off exactly how I feel about this one as just another crush, making up excuses as to why I should stay single in my head; but every time we speak all those reasons don’t matter anymore. To me this is a difficult situation because I honestly don’t think I deserve anyone this perfect, but would certainly like to. Maybe I should just not worry about it, and just be glad a woman that brilliant exists at all; anything progressing past that, would be all the better. Plus I could use someone new to hang out with, since I consider the many of the people I don’t hang out with anymore raging alcoholics or bar flies, and I need someone who understands what it is to persue an academic goal. Yes, that’s what I need. Someone who knows what it is to want, and have gone after an academic goal. That person would understand me a little bit perhaps. I suppose writing on here wont remedy that though.

Having the feeling that I’m the only one doing the searching, and no one’s searching for me has dramatically affected my mood about all of this lately. With each person I”ve ever dated, it’s always been me who’s done the bumbling through the early stages of the relationship. No one’s ever come up to me, and shown a definite interest. This troubles me and if it ever happened, I would truly be stunned and happy at the same time. Maybe I’m just too shy about all of this. Everyone knows it’s what we’re all looking for, but for me it’s both what I want, and a little scary at the same time.

Around; that’s my location. Not just anywhere, that’s not specific enough; but, around will do. The continuum that is life flows around me, but I stand apart. Occasionally I interact with it. I’ve had a few flings in recent weeks, but not with anyone I remotely liked or wanted anything to do with after the fact. My mind is vexed by the prospect that my body can be with someone, yet, ultimately, deep in my soul I want nothing to do with them other than sex. The women I”m attracting don’t do it for me, and the one’s that do it for me seem to be crazier than I am! Maybe that’s what I”m into though: crazy women. They perplex me, catch me off guard, and know how to push all my buttons; even ones that weren’t apparent to me. Yet, there are no crazy ones around me now, and this saddens me. All the women seem perfectly normal, and submissive. Frustration has set in, and that’s the problem. Maybe there are a few that just hide their insanity from me, but I’ll never know if they don’t show it.

Sigh… they’re all just perfectly boring.

I’m still alive, yay me!

First time for everything, they say. Today is the first time the urge to pack up all my shit… scratch that… give away all my shit, and just take the fuck off from this place. Don’t particularly need any excuses as to why the urge strikes; just does. After about twenty-five years in the same shit-hole, the mood suites me to not spend more time here than physically required. Come this spring semester the journey begins where the decisions of my life actually start. Do I A.) start grad school or B.) start my career? Hmmm… tough one. Don’t have any lost love for this state in actual truth; so, maybe I’ll push on to whatever suits me best. Haven’t tried any other state than California as far as living goes. Been to many of them, but haven’t lived in them. With the skill set I’m developing I could potentially make an alright living traveling around the country, or countries, using my knowledge to never stay in one spot for too long. Could be nice.

Back to the topic though. Grad school… it would certainly up the ante on what my path is. Now would be the perfect time to do such a thing, as the knowledge is still fairly clear — most days — in my head. Others may disagree in that my brain can actually function. Pretty sure it does, but only for things that are important. That’s a different matter though. With nothing holding me down here, what’s the difference as to where the destination is? Each path leads to a different life. As long as it’s somewhere, it’ll be fine. If along the way I meet some new people, have some fun, and find what I’m looking for: great. If along the way there’s nothing there for me, at least I tried looking; so be it, there’ll be no regrets. The question of when to stop can be left for another time.

Suppose I’ll settle for a camping trip in the near future for now.

Couldn’t find anyone to get coffee with so for now I’m sitting in my boxers until I feel the urge to head off into the park like usual; But, hey, it’s sunday. Maybe I’ll do something today other than listen to music, go on a bike ride, or look for a new house. That could be asking too much though, plus I need work on getting more toward something that’s like a school shedule — seeing as how that’s coming up soon. Having the university start up will give me something to do with all this BS spare time i have on my hands; yet, it’s still rather nice to have nothing going on that’s of much importance. No deadlines, no agenda, no schedule: nada mucho.

Guess I’ll just wait for something to happen. Eh.

Sitting back watching movies. It’s something I do quite constantly, but more recently as of late. For the most part I’ve been looking for a change in the way my life is running; yet, the change, or person, hasn’t been found as of now. Trying to be nice to her doesn’t always have the effect you’re looking for; trying to be a dick to her doesn’t always have the effect you’re looking for; anything in-between doesn’t have the effect I’m looking for: so why should I bother? I’m not in this to please people who’re just going to walk all over me and never get anything in return. They expect the world from you. Let’s say I bring something to the table: she’ll offer nothing, take what I brought, plus the table. Suppose it’s just the way some people are, but that’s not something I want to get involved with. Should she change her views it might work out one day.

Moving on to whatever’s next is my plan.

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